Hurricane Season - Again
Ain't nobody here but us chickens... It’s that time of the year again. The end of tourist civilization as we know it. It's just beginning - everyone is leaving, every place is closing, hurricane season is soon upon us. Cruise ships have stopped coming (May to mid November) and the beaches are empty except for a few locals. The word hurricane comes from the Taino Native American word, hurucane, meaning evil spirit of the wind. In the Pacific Ocean, hurricanes are generally known as typhoons. In the Indian Ocean they are called tropical cyclones. While we aren’t quite lucky enough to have the pizzazz of local zombies or excitement of extra-terrestrials to contribute to the loss, the decimation of life on the beach as we know it, is notable. Everything changes at this time of year, and, for the next five months, be prepared to sweat in crevices of your body you once thought impermeable to sweating.
Yes, it's hurricane season.... Any day now, we're all going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some swirly radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean making a bee-line for the Caribbean, and advising all of regarding two basic meteorological terms used in these circumstances: (1) There is no need to panic. (2) Prepare yourself as we could all be killed. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in the Caribbean. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that "the big one" is on it's way. Based on what we have heard from others, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days; STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car; STEP 3. Drive to Saskatchewan and remain there until after Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in the Caribbean enjoying warm sunshine and frolicking on the beaches. So for those who are doing that, we'll have to remind them of hurricane preparedness without including a trip to Saskatchewan. We will start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home or if you rent an apartment in hurricane prone areas, you must have hurricane insurance to protect your family and assets about your home. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Saskatchewan. Unfortunately, if your home is located in the Caribbean, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to spend a lot of time scrounging around for an insurance company that will provide such coverage, keeping in mind that they will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your home. And, at any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. We have researched several different home-insurance companies. We are now covered by the Slippery Bob and Big Stan Number One Reliable Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to our monthly premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to our kidneys and a few cans of dog food. SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets -- you really don't want to experience back wash from your toilet. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless, bleeding stumps and it will be December and you realize you won't be able to open any Christmas presents.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to raise enough money to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows when viewed from any angle, yet they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so... He lives in his home in Saskatchewan and has never had a problem.
And, Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, Harley motorcycles, planters, patio furniture, former girlfriends, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles that may want to enter your home.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If your home or apartment is in a low-lying area, you should have a vehicle evacuation route planned out to avoid the incoming storm surge. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says anything but Saskatchewan, you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having a vehicle evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. However, you will instead enjoy being trapped in a gigantic traffic jam, a few miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate to Saskatchewan, you will eventually realize that you need a whole mess of supplies. This is important... do not buy them now! Local Caribbean tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then run to the supermarket in gale force winds and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights and at least $167.00 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant to counteract the effect of no a/c.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the boa constrictors and alligators who will be looking for snacks - there WILL be irate snakes and alligators.
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can feel confident that you have the means to buy an electric generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just the basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. You feel relieved when the power goes out to you don't have to watch these stupid people any more.
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
Decorating the house (boarding up windows);
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights);
Last minute shopping in crowded stores;
Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials";
Family coming to stay with you;
Family and friends from out-of-state calling;
Buying food you don't normally buy .... and in large quantities;
Days off;
Candles;
....And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.